


If Only.

by WolfDogstar



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Comfort, First War with Voldemort, Hurt, M/M, Mention of Physical Abuse, Panick Attack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-21
Updated: 2017-04-21
Packaged: 2018-10-22 05:58:28
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,325
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10691160
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WolfDogstar/pseuds/WolfDogstar
Summary: Alternate universe where Sirius is the Secret Keeper and he is cracking under pressure. James, Lily and Harry are depending on him for their safety. Sirius doubts himself but Remus is always there to help.





	If Only.

He paced up and down their living room, chewing on his nails, long black hair falling over his face every now and then, irritating him. He tried pulling it up in a bun but failed miserably as he couldn't find a hairband anywhere. There was just one thing on his mind. He was their secret keeper. James, Lily and Harry were depending on him in the utmost way possible. What if he couldn't do it? What if he betrayed them? What if he became the reason for their....death? What if he became the thing he hated most? What if his family name caught up with him?   
He had spent his entire life trying to outrun the darkness his family had imbibed in him. He wouldn't give up now. He would never deny that he was scared but he wouldn't betray his brother. He would never let anyone hurt little Harry. 

He needed to calm down. He tried counselling himself---everything would be okay. Panicking wouldn't do any good. 

Shaky legs gave up under him and he collapsed on the sofa with his head in his hand. He wanted to tear his hair out.   
I CAN'T DO IT- screamed a part of his brain. The other half disagreed vehemently. He would die for them without a second thought. 

He hear the door open and jumped on his feet, wand at the ready and pointing at the person at the door. 

Remus stood still, hands up in the air. " It's just me."   
He knew Sirius had been jumpy since he became the secret keeper. He tried to help but initially Sirius refused to even acknowledge that anything was wrong with him. Day by day it got worse. Remus couldn't do much but he tried his best to help. Surrendering while entering their own flat was just one of the many things he had begun doing to make Sirius feel like he was in control.

Sirius slumped down on the sofa dragging his hand through his hair and pulling at it.

He sighed. 

" You okay?" Remus asked. 

" I'm fine" Sirius snapped.

Remus set about making a cup of tea. The day had been tiring for him. He had constantly run errands for Dumbledore and with the full moon just two days away, his body ached all over.

Remus heated up the water with a flicker of his wand. The whistle of the kettle annoyed Sirius these days. 

" Do you want some tea?" Remus asked absentmindedly knowing that Sirius would pick up on his softly spoken words. When he did didn't receive any response, he turned around to see Sirius, breathing heavily and clutching at the sides of the centre table. He looked extraordinarily pale. Beads of sweat trickled down his face and his hair fell over his face making it impossible for Remus to see Sirius's grey, stormy eyes. 

" Sirius..." Remus stepped towards his lover with caution.

" I can't do it" Sirius whispered. " I can't fucking do it." 

" Siri...." Sirius sank down on his knees, resting his head on the table edge.

" I can't do it." He repeated again.

" Sirius, please listen to me." Remus wanted to help Sirius up and shift him to a more comfortable position.

" Don't touch me" Sirius retorted when Remus approached him.

" Okay. Okay" Remus put this hands up in surrender again. They stayed like that for a while before Sirius jerked up and walked over to the bathroom. Remus kept his distance but followed him.

Ha saw Sirius clutching the edge of the basin very hard, and murmur something incoherent. Suddenly Sirius leaned over the toilet and retched. Falling on his knees, he dry heaved till his throat felt raw. Vaguely he registered Remus pulling his hair up half way through the ordeal.

" You're having a panic attack." He heard Remus whisper. " It's okay. Breath."

Sirius tried doing as Remus said. Moony is never wrong, his mind reminded him. Finally his breath evened out and he drank water that Remus conjured for him. 

" A bed might be more comfortable." Remus tried to lighted up the mood. 

Sirius smiled weakly." Yeah".

Remus helped him up to bed after he washed his mouth and face.

" Remus... please don't leave." Sirius begged, though Remus wasn't actually going anywhere.

" I'm right here. I'll be right here. Promise." Remus sat down on the bed beside Sirius, caressing his hair with his long fingers. 

" I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be so rude to you the past few days." Sirius voice was shaking.

" Shh..it's okay Padfoot. It's okay." Remus assured him.

" I love you." Sirius whispered and Remus blushed. Even after countless nights spent whispering loving words to each other, Remus still blushed when Sirius told him those words. He hadn't really believed that he would ever be lucky enough to hear them from Sirius Black.

" I love you too." Remus whispered and kissed Sirius. 

Sirius protested. " Moony, I threw up five minutes ago. It's gross. "

Remus chuckled.

They stayed in comfortable silence for a while till Remus said," Sirius...you know you can talk to me right?"

Sirius bit his lips. " Yeah" he nodded after a while. 

" I'm here okay? I just....want you to know that." Sirius smiled in reply. 

Sirius nudged closer to Remus and buried his face in Remus chest. Remus was sure Sirius had fallen asleep when he spoke up.

" Sometimes...most of the time, my mind is screaming at me all sort of obscenities, things my mother used to call me, reminding me that I'm worthless and that I might fail miserably at protecting them.  
" That voice.... I just cannot cut out. I try to scream back that I"LL NOT betray their trust. NEVER. But that cruel voice reminds me of what I did to you."

Sirius stopped as Remus's body tensed at the mention of the Shrieking Shack incident but he held Sirius closes nevertheless. He knew Sirius had made a stupid mistake. But it could have cost them their lives and that is something Remus had never gotten over. He had forgiven Sirius but the small voice at the back of his head had always told him that what had happened was terribly wrong. But now was not the time to dwell on such thoughts.

" The past doesn't have to define you. I know you Sirius and I've watched you try everyday to outrun your family name and darkness. You are a better man, a good man."

Sirius was holding on to Remus's tee shirt. With every passing minute his grip got harder. 

" They're going to come for me." He whispered. 

" And I and a lot of other people are going to be there to protect you."

" I know, I know...I just...I'm scared." Sirius whispered, defeated.

Remus heart broke at the confession. Sirius always put up a strong exterior at a great expense of his emotions but he seldom let anyone see his fears. Remus knew that Sirius had needed courage to let the mask fall and accept that he really was scared.

" I'm scared that..that if they take me captive...that...they would torture me with hexes and the cruciatis...and...my mother.....did that...." Sirius stopped his quivering voice to compose himself. He held on to Remus so tight that it drew blood. 

" Sirius...it's okay to be scared..."

" And...and...I don't care if I die...but I don't know whether I'll break under their torture...Merlin! What if I do? Oh God...Harry...they'll kill him...they'll...I don't think I can do it...why couldn't you do it Remus? You would never betray us." 

Remus's mind screamed,' you tell me why Sirius. You and James didn't even think about talking to me about being the secret keeper. You people just dropped the information on me like a bomb."

Remus knew it was because of his being a...werewolf.It was no secret that Voldemort was gathering support from his kind by promising them better lives. Maybe his friends thought that he would be a easier target. Maybe his friends thought that he might turn. Hundreds of thoughts had crossed his mind but he hadn't said anything. His friends hadn't kept any secrets from him and he was glad that they didn't think that he might be the traitor lurking among them.

His thoughts were broken when he felt Sirius's grip loosen on his shirt. Soon he felt his breath calm down and muscles relax. 

Remus didn't want to wake him so he fell asleep right there with his arms around the man he had come to love beyond all imagination. 

~~~~~~~~

Remus woke up just the way he had fallen asleep, with Sirius in his embrace, still asleep. He carefully untangled himself and went over to freshen up.   
When he came back with a cup of tea for himself and coffee for Sirius, Sirius was already awake, sitting on the bed with knees drawn close to his chest.

" Hey" Remus greeted. 

" Hi" Sirius whispered smiling slightly. " Sorry about last night....I...I was...." He shrugged, not having enough words to excuse his behaviour.

" It's okay. Nothing to be sorry for." Remus handed him the coffee mug.   
" But Sirius I need to talk to you about something." Remus said hesitantly.

" Anything Moony."

" Okay first of all, you're not going to betray your friends and I know it. You know it too, you just have to believe it."

" Moony, I...." 

" Please let me finish Padfoot. James, Lily and I..we believe in you. That's why James chose you, because he trusts you irrevocably. You love that family. You love our family and you love Harry like your own son. You'll never betray them. The voice in your head that always tells you other wise, it's not your own voice. It's your mother's telling you that you were not good enough. You were never good enough for them Sirius because you never wanted to be that person. For us, you're enough, what you are, you're good. I promise you that. And you know I am always right, right?" 

Remus tried to lighten the mood with the last remark. He did that whenever he felt like he had given a long, boring, lecture to someone and might have spoken too much.   
But Sirius didn't chuckle. He looked at Remus like he wanted to imbibe all his good words and let it get imprinted on his mind and soul. He wanted that positive thought to flow through his veins, instead of the self doubt and self loathing that thickens his blood.

" You okay?" Remus snapped his fingers in front of Sirius's eyes, breaking him from his trance. 

" Yeah..yeah..just thinking."

" And something else....umm...I don't know how to begin..." Remus scratched his neck with uneasiness.

" Go on." Sirius encouraged him.

" Why didn't you and James and Lily...discuss with me before deciding upon the secret keeper?" 

" Moony, you think..." But Sirius was cut off before he could defend himself.

" Yes Sirius. I think so. I think that you people thought I could be the traitor and so didn't ask me to be the secret keeper. You and James have always been close, you people are brothers but it pained me a that you didn't even think about asking me once. How could you think that I would betray James? How could you think that I would betray you? I love you...."

" No..no..no Remus..no you've got it all wrong..." Sirius hastily placed the cup over the bed and it toppled over, spilling coffee every where but he didn't care. He placed himself face to face with Remus and gripped his shoulders.   
" We never thought you could be the traitor. Never Remus. God! Why didn't you tell me you felt this way...listen..listen..okay...we thought about everything but we didn't chose you because...because if they capture you....they'll torture you in worse ways that they'll me. You have an affliction, Remus and if they take you, they might use the wolf to kill someone, to infect someone else. And we know you could never live with that. We don't want you to live with that. You need a safe place to transform every full moon, if they take you, they'll lock you up..God knows where and you will fall sick and...die..the wolf might kill you....the cruciatis...hurts me..hell it hurts all..but imagine how much it'll hurt your already aching bones. We know you will never, ever give up any information and they will torture you only more for it. You Know Who might kill you himself because he wants the werewolves on his side and you not turning to their side might give other people hope that there is a different choice. That's why...all these things we discussed...James. Lily and I before I became the secret keeper. I promise you. I trust you with my life and so does James."

" You really thought all that? For me?" Remus asked not entirely sure why his friends loved him so much. 

" Of course we did." Sirius tried to smile.

" Then..yesterday night...you asked, ' why couldn't you be the secret keeper?' Why did you ask that?"

" I did?" Sirius scratched his head. " I really don't remember." Sirius laughed, a little guilty. He had made a mess of himself last night.

" But you mean everything you said right now ?" 

" Yes. Yes I do." 

Remus didn't need any more confirmation. He knew Sirius was telling the truth. He hugged him with all his might. 

" I'm sorry." He whispered. 

" No, I'm sorry. I should've told you all these things earlier. You're always ranting about how I should talk to you about my fears but when it comes to you, you bottle it all up. You could've...should've talked to me earlier. Promise me you'll do that from now on."

" I promise ". Remus smiled and kissed Sirius.

**Author's Note:**

> This might have more chapters. But I am not entirely sure.  
> :P  
> Please review.


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